today, i am going to rant. it’s my 2nd post in tumblr in 2011, and i’m ranting. great. but there’s no other place that i feel like ranting at, and when i finally reopened my tumblr dashboard, i knew this was the right place to do it.
so, where should i begin? i’m tired. yeah, 4th day of the year and i’m tired already. you know, sometimes you feel like you’ve done enough, and things seem to go the right way, and everyone around you is happy and you think you’re happy and yay all’s good. well, since its the new year, a new start, things will be ‘better’ right? well, that’s what everyone’s saying and that message somehow sinks into your head, at least for me. but then you stop, you pause, and you think. are you sure it’s really a new start? and things will be better? you start to procrastinate, and you start to think you’re not good enough.
and then *tadah* old stuff return, signs of a ‘bad day/year’ emerges. and yeah, i’m right after all. how can things suddenly turn around because it’s a new year?
just one example:
boyfriend starts to go back to his usual unromantic self. all the love he was showing during the christmas/new year season seems like a fucking show. 2 words texts return, everything is up to me, no initiative anymore. but you know what’s the best part? as i’m ranting, i suddenly start to reassure myself that maybe i’m thinking too much. yeah, because that’s what he always tell me. that’s i’m thinking too much. and that’s what a lot of my friends say to me to. when i’m feeling sad because of the things he do, they say that. and i’m so frustrated with myself.
there are many more. family, friends etc. but i’m just lazy to write them all down.
i feel so alone, so lousy, so frustrated, so tired. so fucking scared that this will continue and 2011 will just be another year that’s so crazy. hate fucking crazy cycles like the boyfriend one.
i had a dream last night. i was shot by accident, and i died, but was still on earth, floating aimlessly. tried to give hugs, talk to people, reassure them, but i couldn’t, the feeling was horrible. now i wish that was true, only that when i die, i’ll just get out of this planet, to a place where i’ll only feel happy.
tired. just so damn tired.
